I’m Right Here
September 4, 2010 § Leave a comment
Traditionally, you could not have said that I was someone who lived in the moment. Growing up during my formative years in Japan when my father was a missionary I spent a lot of time on the train with my head in the clouds and my heart in a ditch. I rode it an hour each direction going and coming home from school and during this time I bathed in the gravity and weight of missionary evangelism and how I was going to save the world. I spent a good many train rides reading Ecclesiastes, trying to understand my mothers depression that stemmed from her abusive childhood, (her father was a drunk and physically abusive) all the while trying to deal with the reality of being a pubescent 13-year-old and all that goes along with that. Needless to say my heart has always been a little heavy. Growing up the son of a minister you are always painfully aware of very adult problems both in your own family and that of other members of the church. College and moving back to the US proved to be no less of a somber and heavy experience for me as well.
Now, however, for the first time in my life I feel like I’m really starting to live in the moment. I’ve been so concerned in the past with the weight of ‘Gods purpose and mission’ growing up and in college that frankly, I feel like I skipped over a good many of fun and exciting years. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed a good many number of experiences and lived life when I was a Christian, it’s just that now I feel like when I have a truly good or simply enjoyable experience; it sticks.
The stars seem brighter now, my food tastes better, simple walks through the park seem more memorable, and time with my family is paramount. Before it felt like I was pushing through life to achieve ‘Gods will’ in proving to the world it’s counterfeit beliefs and then trying to supernaturally reveal Gods intended purpose for is all. I realize now how pompous it all sounds, but then I felt like the world rested on my shoulders and it was up to me (through the power of God) to save it.
My sister who loves me to death told my wife the other day that it makes her sad that I’m happy now as an unbeliever, that she would rather me be unhappy and be ‘saved’ than burn in hell and be happy about it. I don’t fault her too bad for it though, because it’s not her speaking really, but the invalidating nature of religion.